The Vision 02/07/07

I was saved 2/07/2007, all of this was written a day or so after. My ex Evan is mentioned, but we are no longer together. I couldn't cut him out of the story because he was such a big part of it. I will never forget this day as long as I live.


"Now the visions of my head upon my bed I happened to be beholding and, look! a tree in the midst of the earth, the height of which was immense. The tree grew up and became strong and its very height finally reached the heavens, and it was visible to the extremity of the whole earth."Daniel 4:10-11


*The best thing in the world happened today. I way laying in bed, as I have been doing lately because I have been so sick, lazy and depressed lately that is all I have been doing. Evan came into the room and took one look at me and knew something was wrong. He knows me so well. It was going on 5 pm and I was still in bed.....on and off of the laptop...but still in bed. He had been up all day, I just didn't want to get up. I have been depressed over me being so sick, the pain in my arm, leg, the weather, etc. Just anything I could think of to beat myself up over. He asked me what was wrong and I just bursted out in tears. He immediately thought it was over between us or that I didn't love him anymore, he was thinking the worst. And all I could do is cry. It made me cry even more that he was thinking the worst. I couldn't talk....just cry. Then he was begging me to tell him so I asked him to atleast turn out the lights.....I had been staring at the ceiling for so long, I was sick of looking at it. I told him that he was going to think that I was a complete psycho, but I was going to explain what was going on EXACTLY how it was in my mind. Then the words just started pouring out. I am sure that they didn't make any sense what so ever, but Evan is so understanding that he just listened like he always has. I told him that I wanted to explain a scenerio to him that was in my head. Right now I feel like I am standing on a set of steps that are 3 feet wide, they are concrete and they are black. When I look up, all I see is beautiful grass and flowers on both sides. I see the steps going all of the way to the top of the hill, not a long way, but for a little ways. I can't see what is on the other side, but I know that everyone that I love and that loves me is on the other side of that hill. I have not turned around, but I know that it is a long way down and all of the bad that has happened in my life is back there including bad things, bad people, mistakes, decisions, etc. are there. Evan is with me. He is the only person that I see. He is standing on the left side of me, but in the grass, not on the steps. He is looking at me with such love as he always does, but still has that confused look on his face and is taking several glimpses back behind me. But I am not looking back at all. Only to my left side at Evan. He has my left hand in his left hand and we are holding hands really softly. I am not pulling him over to stand on the steps with me and I am not pulling him to come up the stairs with me, I am just softly holding it. He is not pulling my hand in any direction at all. I am not crying, I am just at a stand still, but very content and ready to climb the steps. The weather is perfect, I am wearing a white spring dress, there is a great summer breeze and the sky is clear and the sun is out. But it is SO dark behind me. I don't know how I know that because I didn't look back, but I just know. Evan is standing beside me looking both ways, but more behind me than ahead of me. But he is not on the steps, he is in the grass. And the steps are painted a glossy black, and they are cement. Why in the world I had this in my mind, I don't know. But it just was and something came over me and it was like I got saved and wasn't even in church, wasn't praying and didn't even know it was coming......But it was GREAT!!!!! I actually could breathe!! I haven't had a breath like that my whole life. Never!!! Evan was SO excited for me. He told me that he stands by me 100% and thinks that God came into my heart. I do too. I was crying tears of joy and also tears from being SO scared of what was happening!! (I know, Kathie(Evan's Mom who helped me through this), that is the devil trying to put his fear in what he has lost control over!!!) I started to have so many what if's? and why's? I was ready 100% to give myself to God, but I my only scare was what was going to happen between Evan and I. Evan was SO understanding. He told me that he did not want to hold me back from this. He also told me that he knows that this will happen to him someday and he is ready for it, but it just hasn't happened yet. I TOTALLY understand that. Because I know how he feels. I have always believed in God, I have always prayed and I have always loved God, but there is NO way I could just go to church, go up front, get saved and feel the way I feel now. There is no way. It wouldn't have been real. I may think I would have been ready, but I wouldn't have. Not a week ago, not even yesterday. I don't know a lot about God, or the bible. I know the 1st verse is In The Beginning God Created The Heavens And The Earth, I know that the last word is Amen. I know most of the 10 commandments and that is it. I used to go to church until I was like 15, but only because my parents made me. When I got pregnant with Codey at the age of 15, I never went to church again. I was always treated different from that church after that. It was the same building that your church is at, just different people. I never understood it, but I was hurt by those people, but it never changed my faith in God. I have done some really bad things in my past, really bad. I was premiscious, did drugs, alcohol, breaking the law, DUI's, you name it, I did it. I have tried to clean my act up but didn't start doing so until I was 25. But still was not perfect. I drove drunk so many times that I am suprised I am alive and I am so thankful that I didn't kill anyone. On Codey's birthday in 2003 I was driving home from Chillicothe drunk and passed out, woke up when I was on the other side of the road in the bank, this was on the old 35. I did things like this clear up until just this past summer. I thank God SO much for watching over me and other people when I made such a horrid choice. I feel like this is my confessional, but I just feel so much better to type all of this. I hope it doesn't paint a bad picture of me, because this is how I used to be and I have full intentions of being a better person. I am so glad that God came into my heart today. I was SO scared to go to church. I have a severe social phobia, but then on top of that, I knew I wasn't ready. So maybe that is why God made an exception and made a house call for me today. Now I am just scared. (Fear-Devil) I am afraid that this happened because something bad is going to happen to me and God is going to take me. Why I think that, I don't know, but I don't want to die. Not at all. I love this feeling and I want to live it for many many years. I used to get so depressed to where I would beg God to take me.....but after having this happen to me today, I feel like I was reborn. I just want to go stand in the street and dance around and sing and laugh and be so happy. I know that may sound weird, but that is how I felt. Evan had his hand on my heart when I finally breathed that first breath of NEW air. I am worried about us now. I have NO problem praying for this same day to come for Evan, but what about us in the meantime. I look at his lifestyle in a whole nother way now. I don't judge it at all, but I know how he feels. I know that if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. But I know that he has it in him.....he always has, and I always know that I have had it in me, but you cannot fool God and make it happen.....(I told you that Kathie, that is the coolest thing!!! You cannot fool God, he knows!!) Evan said he knows that it is coming, he doesn't want to hold me back, but he wants me to bear with him until the day comes for him....... What do I do? This is where I need help from the both of you. I have not once thought about leaving Evan....and I know he won't leave me....but how do I deal with things in the meantime? I have a few beers in Evan's fridge and when I seen them today, I felt so guilty. I just wanted to pour them out. But I shut the door in disgust. I am sorry that I haven't called either one of you over this, I just feel better talking about it through email. Please bear with me on this. I just feel like I need to get my head right with all of this and I would like to talk to you through email. Just for now. You guys have been angels sent to me. I don't think that anything that you two have sent to me on here or said to me has influenced my thinking on this. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything that you said to me on here but it was 100% God today when I was laying in that bed. I asked Evan if he thought God was sent to me or if this day came due to all of the prayers from you guys, (Kathie and Beth) and he said he doesn't have the answer for that, but probably. Well Bless Your Hearts if it did.......well bless your hearts anyways!!! You two are angels!! I feel like a new person, don't know why and I am not going to complain. This feeling is spectacular. I just would like some advice on what to do when your partner isn't ready yet??? This means so many things have to change now. No more staying over here alnight, which Evan and I are fine with, no more going out, which I am fine with....but am I going to be able to make this relationship work? I have not backed down even one step since God put me on these steps today, but I cannot leave Evan behind....what do I do? I love him with all of my heart, I will never leave him. But God is calling me......I shouldn't have to choose. I want to get things right with God and I on my own, just at first, give me a week or so, then I will attend church. I just need to get my mind and my heart right. I knew something was coming that is why I haven't called anyone. I am sorry Kathie. After all that you have done for me, I should have called or came and seen you before now....The bad was coming out......I had a lot of guilt and bad pouring out of me....I still do. I just want to talk online about this for awhile then I will talk to you both in person or on the phone. After this happened, I got in the shower and prayed and prayed and prayed. I thanked God for the both of you coming into my life. I thanked God for coming into my heart today and I asked for 2 things when I was praying. I prayed to become a better mother and I prayed that God will come into Evan's heart. He is so ready, it just hasn't happened yet. He claims that he knows what is happening to me, because he has seen it happen to so many people that he knows, well I thought the same thing when I wasn't ready yet, but knew someday that it would happen. But I had NO idea of the feeling. NO IDEA. It is undescribable and absolutely wonderful. It was like the feeling that I had when my children were born times 100!! Please just email me back with any advice that you have. Don't think I am crazy, it was my heart talking and my hands typing. Just how I feel. I love Evan and want to keep my life going in this positive direction..... I love you guys! Tarey Genesis 2,9 : And the LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground- trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Continued:I was in bed crying my eyes out at 9 this morning because I was so scared to go back to church....It had been 15 years!!! .....I wanted to call Evan's mom and make up any reason why I couldn't.....but didn't have it in my heart to lie.....especially to her mom......couldn't do it. Who was I to lie to someone who put their life on hold for me when I needed someone the most? Probably the most vulnerable time of my life. I didn't want to let her down ...So I called her and when I found out she was running late.....I was relieved because I knew that I didn't have to attend the full amount of time.... Not that my heart wasn't into it, but I just really wanted off of the hook just a tad......but it was the fear.......The devil was doing anything and everything to try to keep me from going.........He was running out of options and it was ticking him off!! LOL Hahaha in his face.......He was losing someone he had a hold of for 30 years..........Well I went and Codeman went with me. Bless his heart!!!! When we pulled into the parking lot, I seen a friend of Codey's Mom in the parking lot. She was just sitting in here vehicle and I thought she was waiting to pick someone up, but when we got out, she got out. She started walking with us and told us that she was so glad that we were going in because if we hadn't arrived, she didn't know if she was going to come in or not........She was sitting in her truck debating........Praise the Lord!!! That is sooooooooooooooo cool that we just happened to park by her and she got out!! I am soooooo happy for her. She ended up staying in the back when we got there, I told her to come up front and sit with us when she was ready. The next thing I knew, she was coming up front with a guy from the church and she prayed with the preacher and some other people from the church. She was balling and it made me cry so hard. The holy spirit was in her and she was on the floor. I am SO glad that she came forward. What a wonderful day..........Praise the Lord!!! He is so powerful!!! He has made so many things come together and click for me.......I can't thank him enough........And my angel Kathie......who is like my 2nd mom now.....what an angel!! I love her! Well WaaaWaaaaWaaaa for the devil!!! While he was having a pity party, I was having the best party of my life!! Best one I ever attended!! :) And I won't even be hungover tomorrow!!! And can't wait to do it again......Instead of partying and telling God when I was sicker than a dog that I wasn't ever going to drink again, I was telling him that I wasn't ever going to look back again........ LOVE IT WOW, what a service!! About a week or so ago, I had a dream and didn't even connect it until I heard the preacher talking about Warriors fighting.....But, I had a dream that I was with Evan and all of HIS friends, and one of his friend decided to take over Jackson. So we were in this really big old house that was 2 stories. It had steps and a balcony to where if you were standing up at the top, you could see down to the front door. We dressed up in black, head to toe, full "Armor" (As the preacher said this morning) and called the cops. All of the cops showed up and when the arrived, one of Evan's friends jumped the balcony and held up his shield, and then Evan took off to another room. He was dressed in his armor, ready to fight, but at the last minute, said he couldn't do it because he had a warrant........Turning back in fear. Well, his mom and I bother agree that yes he does have a warrant, but a warrant with God. WOW, talk about hitting the nail right on the head!! How I dreamed this before getting saved, then the preacher was preaching about that this morning. I was all geared up, in my armor and ready to fight and so was Evan, but then when the enemy (Who we thought were the cops ((the people who actually are supposed to protect us)) got to the door, Evan ran. Even though he was geared up too and in his armor, he ducked out..........Hmmmmmm.........Too cool!!! He's ready.....I know he's ready.......His time is coming soon...... Although he didn't come to church, he did come to eat with us afterwards. I would have probably been so quiet and felt left down if he hadn't have came to eat ..... his mom had called him 5 minutes before I did and he told her no....... :( But I called him back and asked him to please do it for me.......Oh I just love him........Don't get me wrong, his actions frustrate me.....but I love his heart!!!! His whole family made me feel so at ease today.......It was a GIGANTIC step for me......I am usually so quiet and backward, but walking in and seeing everyone so happy and then seeing people I knew upfront just made me feel so at ease and then I cried forever, but definitely tears of joy...........LOVED IT!! Wow, if that is how it is going to be, that is fine, but I will really have to stock up on the water-proof mascara!!! :--------) Can't wait to go back .........Just can't wait. What a wonderful church with an outstanding atmosphere!! So many different people, all understanding and not judgemental. I just felt in place........I have felt so out of place forever.....I was in the right place with God.......The devil has lost the battle with me....Life is great!!! My aunt Vicki came and talked to me after the service and we just cried.... :) She knows I had it in me all of these years, but I just had that stubborness in me and all of the other emotions that let the devil keep me from letting God in my heart.......Although I had a talk with her that was several years ago, probably 6 to 8 years ago, and I told her I knew I needed to be in church and I wanted to start going.......she cried at my grandma's kitchen table with me when I was so scared to let God in my heart. I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do, but the devil won the battle in my head. I know how Evan is feeling, and I pray that it doesn't take him as long to let God in his heart. Wow, what a wonderful day!! After church, we went to Toro Loco and Evan's mom told them it was his birthday.......LOL I had NO idea what they did for birthdays............OH MY!!! Well, he went to smoke, then when he came back about 10 minutes later, they came. They took off his hat, put on this black sembrero which is about 3 foot wide and put down ice cream in front of him. They took the spoon and acted like they were going to feed it to him, yet instead wiped it all over his face.......lol.............THIS PLACE WAS PACKED!!! He was SUCH a trooper.........We laughed and laughed and laughed. They sang Happy Birthday to him in Spanish and then took his picture.........LOL Then, they wanted the sembrero back, but NOOOOOOOOOO not Evan. He wouldn't let them have it..........Evan wanted all of the attention that he could get. He told them no and continued to wear it the rest of the time we were there........(Probably 20 or more minutes) What a funny funny lunch!!! Codeman was laughing at him. My sides hurt from laughing so hard!!! I was rolling!!! It was priceless!!!! What wonderful memories I will have from this day from here on out!!! I will NEVER forget this day!! Now I am at Evan's apartment spending time with him, and what a wonderful end to a precious day!!! Thank You God for this day and all of the wonderful people that you have brought into my life!!!! I love you Lord!!! And I want to pray that a day like this comes for Evan soon!!! Please watch over everyone that I love and keep them safe!!! God bless them all!!! Tarey